PPBLESSING’S LESSONS ON GRIEF

1. AGE IS JUST A NUMBER 

There is no time that the saying, “age is just a number” truer than in death. Growing up, I had the notion that old people are the only ones that die until life threw me a hard punch and showed me otherwise.

That Wednesday, 8 June 2011 started like every other day until my sister, Cecelia received a call with the person telling her that “Goddy tsar.” 

When I heard that, my first thought was, “go look for him na.” Until the person clarified by saying “A tsar ku.” Kpesh! It was unbelievably funny to me because in my mind, I had conjured up a thousand and one reasons why it was ‘imposicant’ for a 23 year old healthy young man to just die like that.

But alas, death didn’t think of his age when it came knocking. It took him in a surprisingly sudden way, we were told he went to church after lectures to pray. He knelt at the altar to pray and after he was done and stood up, he slumped and that was it. 🥹

My niece, Praise’s death was an even worst reiteration that age is just a number as far as death is concerned. She was only 13 when she died on 12 October 2017.

I was livid that death could snatch such a little girl who had her whole life ahead of her but guess what? Death didn’t care, it took her anyway. It was like it looked me in the face and laughed saying “Jokes on you Shagba, I’ll take whoever I take irrespective of age.”

2. BE INTENTIONAL

When you lose a loved one to death, the most painful part is mostly remembering that there are a lot of things you wanted to do with them or say to them before they died that you didn’t get to do.

I still remember the ‘I love you my sister’ note that my brother Goddy left for me in my Bible when he left for school. I took it as one of those thoughtful things he always does but I didn’t bother telling him I saw the note 😅

In the morning of the day he died, I was there when they spoke with Baba but I didn’t bother speaking with him because I’d concluded I’ll call him in the evening when he was done from school but guess what? He didn’t see the evening 🥹

I was pained that I never got to tell him how important he was to me before he died.

For Mama, I kept planning to do something fabulous for her when I blow 😅; like taking her and Baba on a vacation or gifting her a car. But again, it was jokes on me.

For Praise, I’d envisioned seeing her become a global name through music and/or dance because she did them effortlessly and exceptionally but the funny part is I never told her how good she in singing and dancing.

Losing these dear ones taught me to value my family and friends and to be intentional with my actions and words. It taught me to do little things for my loved ones instead of waiting for the ‘big things’ that may not come.

I am big on giving people their flowers while the can smell them so I look for every opportunity to let my loved ones know that I love and value them. That way, whenever death comes calling, I’m sure I wouldn’t be left with a ton of unuttered love, appreciation or actions.

3. ACCEPT THAT IT’S GOODBYE FOR LIFE

This is one of the hardest lessons of grief. According to a book on Trauma response, there are basically 4 phases—shock, anger, re-entry, and helping others—a person(s) goes through while grieving, usually characterized by different expressions/actions.

Denial is part of the grieving process and is often one the default response after you’ve lost a loved one.

I was in denial and refused to accept that my brother was actually dead until I saw him laying cold on the mortuary slab and I held his hands but he didn’t hold mine back. 🥹 Still, I couldn’t accept it. It felt like accepting that he’s dead would actually make him dead🥲

Even after his burial I still waited for him to come back home from school because accepting that he was actually dead felt drenching.

For Mama my denial was laced with fasting and prayer. I felt God would still wake her up for me and throughout the wake keep, I waited without result.

On the morning of the burial, I remember speaking to her while wiping the coffin about how I was waiting to see her wake up so that the food for guests would be use for her return reception 😅

My eyes were glued to the coffin all through the requiem mass as I looked out for the slightest movement to signify that there would be no burial. The burial still took place.

The same denial trailed  Praise’s death as I waited for her to come visit me at home after I returned home from school but she never came.

I’ve realised over the years that refusing to accept what has happened does not change the fact. It only bounds you in a place of pain.

Understanding and accepting that it’s goodbye for life and you will never see or speak to your loved one again is HARD! But, 

instead of refusing to accept the reality and living in deep seated, soul crushing pain, accept the reality and learn to deal with the pain of loss.

4. NO TWO DEATHS ARE EVER THE SAME

Losing a loved one leaves you scarred in a way that cannot be adequately captured in words but the most painful part is, no two deaths are ever the same.

With each loved one you lose, the pain you experience will also be different. After I cried and mourned for my brother, I thought nothing in the world would ever shake me.

Alas, when Mama died, the pain I felt was on another level. I lost my appetite for weeks and lost weight drastically. At that time, I told myself nothing can ever make me shed tears ever again nor destabilize me.

But, death came calling again, taking Praise 🥹 and my heart was shattered into shreds. I was left confused and unsure of how to move on. That was when I realised that there’s no script when it comes to pain and death.

There’s nothing that prepares you for the pain that comes with losing a loved one because each loss is different and each pain is in it’s own class. Know that and know peace. ✌🏽

5. BOTTLING YOUR EMOTIONS DOES YOU NO GOOD

Bottling your emotions or being ‘strong’ after losing a loved one is one of the most dangerous things you can do to yourself. Just like a boiling pot of kunun gyada on fire, if you don’t open the lid to let out some steam (emotions) you’ll boil over and lose most of yourself in the fire.

Due to my denial after Goddy’s demise, I bottled up all the pain and hurt I felt. It was after I saw him at the mortuary that the flood gates were opened and I cried for days. That brought some form of relief albeit for a short time.

For Mama, I cried when Aunty Babba informed me of her demise and kept lamenting about how she’d left too early to any and everyone who cared to listen all through my journey from Zaria until I got home to Jalingo.

Actively expressing my pain before I got home give me the strength I needed all through the burial preparations until I got terribly disappointed by her not waking up and zoned into full blown emotional shutdown 😅

For Praise, I cried for days when her Dad informed me of her demise. It was so surreal and I didn’t fully believe the news until I saw the burial pictures all over Facebook.

In all of these, I have learnt that not crying or holding back your emotions will only drag you deeper into the pain and if not carefully handled, lead to depression.

So shed all the tears you want and shout as loud as your lungs will allow, at the end of the day only you know the kind of pain you’re feeling so let no one tell you how to express your emotions.

It’s your pain, express it however you choose but please, don’t hurt yourself in the process. This too shall pass 🤗

6. FIGHT WITH GOD, IF YOU MUST 

As someone that grew up from a firm Christian home, fighting with God or questioning Him seemed like an abomination but, when I lost my brother, mother and niece, I had a ton of questions and doubts.

Some of these questions include:

– Why did God take them now?

– Why were my prayers for their healing (in the case of Mama and Praise) unanswered?

– Why were my prayer and fasting for there return not heard especially since Jesus brought Lazarus back to his sisters.

– If God’s plan for us are those of good and not of evil, how was dying at a young age a good thing?

These questions and many others kept resounding in my mind so I had a full blown fight with God and expressed all my anger to Him through prayers and a written letter 😅

I remember at some points, I was so vexed that I lost interest in praying, studying the Bible and attending any Church function. It was a time of deep questions and introspection about my faith and trying to understand if there was any point in remaining a Christian when God seemed uninterested in my pain.

Somehow, these experiences led me to answers that grew my faith in ways I didn’t expect.

7. BE OPEN TO THE ANSWERS 

It’s one thing to fight with God, it’s another thing to be open to the answers He will give to the questions you ask.

Since I wasn’t interested in praying, studying the Bible or going to Church, God answered my questions in unconventional ways.

The song, comforter by Cece Winnas spoke deeply to me that God was my comforter despite the pain I was passing through.

I had several dreams that communicated comfort, the two I can still remember vividly was that of a man carrying me on his shoulders while a strong flood washed away houses and other things around. Another was of a man hugging me and telling me sorry while I cried.

I also got answers in movies such as God’s not dead and the case for Christ. These movies answered my questions about God’s love for me and the genuineness of His existence. It spurred me to read the book version of the case for Christ and I was exposed to profound practical answers that made sense. 

The author of the Case for Christ, Lee Strobel, was an atheist who did a deep dive into the truth of Christ’s existence as a means of proving that it was all a lie. He however ended proving that Christ did live on earth and resurrected after being crucified and buried. He ended up giving his life to Christ due to the irrefutable truths he discovered. I too got convinced once again that my belief and trust in God were worthwhile.

Gradually, I found my way back to God and we settled our fight 😅 and He led me to many more answers in the Bible. I even got to learn that I wasn’t the first person to ask Him if he was really with me; David and Job had asked Him that eons ago and even Jesus while He hung on the cross asked God why He had forsaken him. 😅 (See the book of Job, Psalm 22, Psalms 42:9, and Matthew 27:46)

So while you ask God questions, be open to the answers He will give and hey, fret not, God is always with you even when it doesn’t feel that way.

8. DON’T SHUT PEOPLE OUT 

One of the mistakes I made that I see a number of grieving people make is shutting people out. You feel like you just want to be left alone to have some ‘me time’ and mourn in peace right?

Wrong! Human beings are biologically social creatures, we thrive and exists better in a supportive environment with other humans that we can interact with.

And no, it doesn’t change irrespective of your temperament or zodiac sign. WE ALL NEED SOMEONE OR PEOPLE especially when we are grieving.

When I lost my brother, I completely zoned out. I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone and I didn’t want anyone coming close to offer comfort. I chested everything and moved on.

But the mere mention of the name Godwin brought me close to tears for years afterwards. I had deep seated pain that just wouldn’t go away.

When Mama died, I was also stuck in a “no one will understand what I’m feeling zone” so, once again, I shut every out but, some few people kept being available even when I outrightly ignored them, avoided their calls or just won’t reply to their messages.

Overtime, I realised that their been there for me despite my unpleasant attitude made going through the pain a little bit easier. Hence when I lost my niece, I gladly allowed my friends to be there for me and comfort me.

If you’re still dealing with the pain of a loved one, please allow the people that care about you be there for you. Don’t shut them out, you need their presence now more than ever.

9. KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS AND SEEK HEALING

A loaded gun does no harm until its trigger is pulled; releasing a bullet that can cause harm. This is very similar to trauma triggers, without encountering them, you’re good.

These triggers are books, events, places, smells and sounds that reminds you of the loved one you’ve lost.

For me, certain novels and songs remind me of my brother because we’d read those novels and listened and sang along to those songs. Seeing his empty bed and our wardrobe without his clothes hanged were additional triggers.

Seeing the Zumuntan Mata sing and dance in church without Mama at her usual spot in front was hard to see. Going into my parents room brought floods of memories.

Since canopies were set up to accommodate visitors after Goddy’s demise, seeing canopies set up when I came back home from Zaria made me unstable as it was a symbol of bad news to me.

Obituary and burial posts on Facebook make me upset. Hearing people say RIP annoy me. I intentionally avoid going to any house that are in mourning because the mood and tears make me unable to breath properly.

However, knowing your triggers is not enough, you have to take it a step further by intentionally seeking healing.

Personally, I wasn’t aware of my triggers nor the fact that losing my loved ones had traumatised me until I had the opportunity to attend a trauma response training in 2021. That was when I got to understand the intricacies of trauma and how healing is important for one’s overall well being.

For the first time since the deaths, I had the opportunity to talk about the incidents, articulate my pain in words, and seek help to deal with the underlaying pains. I got to understand that I had to be healed from my personal trauma’s before I could be an effective caregiver to others.

As I got aware of my traumas and worked towards personal healing, it was easier to go through the subsequent trainings (Trauma and the people I love; Trauma and my community) and to offer support to others around me who needed support to begin their own healing journeys.

Healing is not a linear journey; some days would definitely be better than others especially when you encounter your triggers but, with God’s help, counselling, and personal determination you will be healed. 

I am living proof of these and the few people I have rendered caregiving support to can also attest to the impact realisation and accepting help has on healing.

Healing doesn’t mean the pain will go away instantly or the memories will be eroded but you’ll definitely feel better and breathe easier.

10. GIVE IT TIME 

This lesson from grief may actually sound annoying at first. I remember when Goddy died and a senior friend told me I will feel better with time. 😏

In my mind I was like shebi you’re mad? Are you saying I’ll forget my brother after some time? Let my brother just come back, I don’t want any feeling better with time, I want to be better now 😂

But the truth is, I did feel better with time. The people that said time heals all wounds sure knew what they were saying. Personally, I can attest to this statement as a fact.

Since my brother died on 8th June 2011, every other June 8 has always been a bad day for me. Most times, I’ll wake up grouchy without knowing what was making me feel that way. It will be hours later that I may remember that it is the anniversary of my brother’s death.

But for the first time this year, I didn’t wake up grouchy, it was a very normal day for me. It was when I logged into Facebook in the evening that my previous posts about the matter reminded me.

It took me 13 whole years before I had a normal June 8! So if you’ve just recently lost a loved one, give it time.

One of the things I’ve realized that keep people in a space of pain is trying not to forget your dead loved ones or feeling guilty when the pain you feel about their death begins to subside.

So, giving it time doesn’t mean that you’ll forget all about them; they will always be a part of your memory one way or another.

Giving it time means that just like me, after some time (be it weeks, months, or even years), you’ll be able to remember your loved one without a flood of tears or that sharp pain in your chest that feels like a truck load of stones were dumped on you.

When that time comes when you do feel better, embrace it and enjoy the new dispensation. You deserve to live a pain free life so do yourself the favour of being and feeling better. 🥂